


Boromir Gets Laid in Lothlorien

by Saentorine



Category: TOLKIEN J. R. R. - Works & Related Fandoms, The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types
Genre: Anal Sex, Canon - Book, Crack, Early Work, Elf Culture & Customs, Elf/Human Relationship(s), F/M, Fellowship of the Ring, Gen, Gender Related, Humor, Laws and Customs Among the Eldar, Not Serious, Oral Sex, POV First Person, Period-Typical Homophobia, Sex, Very Secret Diary, Virginity, boromir is a bro, by this logic pretty much everyone in the fellowship is a virgin, inspiration owed to Very Secret Diaries, oddly canon compliant crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-17
Updated: 2018-02-17
Packaged: 2019-03-20 08:17:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13713672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Saentorine/pseuds/Saentorine
Summary: Traveling with the Fellowship, Boromir learns some things about Elf gender presentation and sexuality and immediately looks for loopholes.(Written after reading Tolkien's "Laws and Customs of the Eldar" to play around with the parameters of canon pertaining to Elf sexuality).





	Boromir Gets Laid in Lothlorien

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this a few years ago to entertain a couple friends after reading [The Laws and Customs of the Eldar](http://faculty.smu.edu/bwheeler/tolkien/online_reader/T-LawsandCustoms.pdf), which I found entertaining because it proves beyond a doubt that Aragorn is an 80something virgin, and made me wonder if there's some loopholes.
> 
> I recently rediscovered it, still found it amusing, and am now sharing here.

This is the most virginal group of soldiers I’ve ever been in the company of, I swear.

To be fair, the four halflings are basically children. I realize Frodo is older than I am, but he looks about 12. He’s unmarried, no kids, and I don’t mean to assume—but, well, I kind of _want_ to assume because I frankly just can’t picture that. Or want to picture that. _He looks about 12_. And apparently they aren’t considered adults until they’re 33 years old, so it’s probably safe to assume Merry and Pippin don’t have much under their belt anyway. I suppose it could be fun if we found a bar or something to give them their first taste of manhood, like when I took Faramir out on his 15th birthday (I still feel pretty bad he ended up crying by the end of the night—but seriously, I _warned_ him Yasemeen was into nipple biting), except I would feel like I was corrupting a bunch of ten-year-olds. I’m not sure if it’s a good look for the Captain of the White Tower and future ruling Steward of Gondor to corrupt a bunch of ten-year-olds.

You would think the Ranger would have some spicy tales given his like 60 years, you know, _ranging_ , but I asked him about the women in the North and he told me he’s been pledged to Elrond’s daughter Arwen Undomiel (the fuck does he always tack on her last name? Are there like multiple Arwens in Rivendell?) since he was 20, like that was supposed to answer my question. Still don’t see why this guy thinks he’s qualified to rule Gondor. SOMETIMES PEOPLE ARE GOING TO ASK YOU QUESTIONS THEY ACTUALLY NEED TO KNOW THE ANSWER TO. Plus he doesn’t even want to _go_ to Gondor. Every time I suggest it he looks at me likes he wants to strangle me.

I asked Legolas if there would be good tail in Lothlorien at least. He said he’s not sure if there are even any elves left in Lothlorien anymore, but he wouldn’t be able to comment on the tail anyway even if there were. “Do they do it different in Mirkwood?” I asked him. He started talking about archery and the difference between Sindar, Silvan, and Noldor bows. Bless his heart.

At least the dwarf talks like a red-blooded man; we had a fascinating conversation about dwarven women and their beards—which, yeesh, I’m all for sampling the different women of the world, but I’m not sure I could handle that!—but then he full on admitted that with something like 4 to 1 odds of finding one he hasn’t had the opportunity. Poor fellow. I wonder if we can get him laid in Lothlorien.

And I really hope Gandalf didn’t die a virgin but I have a strong feeling he probably did. Maybe it’s better if you never know what you’re missing?

Anyway, we got to Lothlorien today and immediately ran into this pretty blonde elf named Haldir who was all grumpy mcgrumpy about Legolas swinging from the tree they were trying to have a nap in or something and told us off for being loud. Legolas talked to her for a bit and then she was all fine I GUESS you can come into Lothlorien, but like wanted us to freaking tightrope walk across a river. Terrifying. When I got across I smacked her ass for that unnecessary bit of cheek, but real bad idea. Turns out Haldir is a dude. If Legolas laughs one more time I’m going to sock him in the nuts. If he _has_ nuts. I guess you can’t really tell with elves.

***

Okay, so big news of the day: I totally banged an elf chick. I can’t wait to tell Faramir about this; he loves all that exotic ~other realms and cultures~ shit. I bet this beats the pants off any of the stories Gandalf used to tell him. Seeing as how he probably died a virgin and all.

Anyway, I was super smooth. While Legolas and Gimli were pitching tantrums about having to wear blindfolds into Lothlorien and Aragorn was like two seconds away from busting out the Get Along shirt, I was making a connection with the girl who was putting mine on. This time I was really careful to check she actually _was_ a chick, first—like “Hey, Melwen, that’s a pretty name for a pretty lady?” and she didn’t punch me in the neck. Then I got all innocently handsy while she was putting on my blindfold, like Whoa! I’m about to fall over! Oops! I grabbed your boob! Just trying to stay upright! Can’t see anything! She laughed but it was a nice laugh, you know, and I think she was really charmed.  
I kept it up while we were on our journey, accidentally touching her and stuff. Testing the waters, so far so good. Then when they brought us to where we were supposed to camp for the night I made my move, which was basically just that I took my blindfold off and followed her. She was already starting to climb up into one of those flet thingies they like to sleep in (but sure, leave all of _us_ blindfolded on the ground while there’s Orcs roaming around, we don’t care!) when I grabbed her around the waist and into my arms and kissed her. Seriously, I am so charming.

So we went off into some bushes together and I tried to help her get out of dress, but she got a little prudish. She told me some crap about how Elves pledge themselves to one love for life and are faithful only to them, and I was like lol yeah it’s *totally* the same for men in Gondor, too; we all totally save ourselves for marriage, yup. She just looked and my dick and said “No, you don’t.” I almost shit myself because I thought maybe she had seen a cold sore or something, but then she explained that elves can see when folks are “married” or if they’re pregnant. Apparently I married Yasemeen when I was 13. Ha, can you imagine . . . 

Anyway, she was all “I have no intention of marrying you, Man.”

And I was like “Whoa, me neither; I’m the future ruling Steward of Gondor and there’s some criteria there. But we’re not speaking of marriage right now, are we?”

“What are you speaking of?” 

Seriously, for being multiple thousands of years old and knowing all this mystical lore crap, the innocence of elves is so freaking endearing.

And then I was super clever. Seriously, Faramir is gonna love this. Hell, I might even tell Dad, he’d probably get a kick out of his son outwitting a freaking elf. I was like, “So what is the purpose of marriage?” and she was like “for the creation of the next generation” and I was like “You can’t make babies in your butt or your mouth.”

Impeccable logic, I tell you.

But she told me not to try any truffle butter bullshit or she would straight up die and I would have a dead freaking immortal on the end of my dick. I was like lol girl don’t be so drama, but Legolas has since confirmed that elves do in fact die when raped. Yikes. Elves don’t fuck around, man.

Anyway, it was pretty good, especially considering that chick was definitely a virgin. I sorta see why Aragorn’s holding out. They kinda smell like flowers even when they’re all sweaty and junk-- or at least the chicks do, and I’m not planning to sniff Legolas to confirm. And like, super sensual. She had really nice hair. Everything just felt so clean and pretty. 

She definitely didn’t think the same of me, though. Spat it right out. Really bitch? There’s bitches who’d pay for that shit in Gondor. Hmph.

The other news is I’m now 100% certain Aragorn is a virgin. No wonder he’s so damn grumpy!

***

Okay so like why didn’t Legolas warn me that Galadriel is every man’s worst mother-in-law plus dad-on-the-front-porch-with-the-shotgun nightmare? If that’s how she acts about one of her random-ass citizens and not even her own kid, I feel suuuuuper bad for Lord Elrond now. Woof.

She gathered us all around to talk to us about stuff but then she barely even _talked_. She just like . . . made voices appear in our heads. Or my head, at least. Maybe everyone else was just standing there quietly. If so, awwwwkward.

Anyway, to me she was all _You have defiled the purity of my protected realm_ and I was like _Hey, it was consensual! She didn’t die from being raped!_ and I think I had her there. 

But then she told me _So you’re gonna die pretty soon_ and I had this vision of getting shot by a bunch of arrows. The fuck??

_Your weakness to temptation will be your undoing_ she said, or some shit.

The whole thing made me pretty uncomfortable, to be honest. I would really like to get out of here as soon as possible before someone assassinates me. Of course, Mr. No Really I’m Totally Qualified To Lead A Country can’t make up his mind about where we’re even going. I’m just like bro. _Minas. Tirith_. Like I’ve been telling you since Rivendell. It’s like he doesn’t want to do it exactly because I want to. He keeps making comments about the ~failings of men~ like he’s not actually a man himself. Aragorn, bruh, you need to love yourself.

Anyway, we’re heading on our way down the river soon. The halflings are super stoked about this bread stuff the elves gave us. I guess if you’ve never gotten laid it’s the next best thing. Meanwhile the elf and the dwarf have moved on from bickering like cats and dogs to bickering like an old married couple. I feel like something happened when we were blindfolded. I’m not sure I want to know.

***

So I got really bored after a couple days going down the Anduin, plus a little sunburned—I’ve got a touch of the ginger; if I get color it’s usually more red than brown—and so I decided to give Aragorn some advice he might be interested in knowing. I told him, “You know dude, buttsex doesn’t count.”

I’m not sure if he was really listening because he just shouted at me really loud “WE ARE NOT GOING TO MINAS TIRITH, BOROMIR!!”

And then this like fucking winged black thing came out of the sky and Legolas had to jump out of the boat and shoot it. What the _hell_ man.


End file.
